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It was knitting night at The Baaamy Inn and the ladies were sat in a circle their needles flicking this way and that like a well-oiled machine, click-clack, chit-chat, click-clack, chit-chat, “I’d join the circle if I had the balls”, said Suzie; “Hey, I don’t tolerate sexual innuendo in my pub” yelled Landlord Len,  “she meant balls of wool” said Walter, “not bollo…”’ “OY!”

“I remember the time Keith the Rambler’s friend Rosey came in”, said Robert, “she was wearing a jumper she’d just knitted, and a bit of wool got trapped in her chair; when she walked up the left-hand side of the bar to get a drink, it started unravelling, then she walked  back again down the right-hand side leaving everyone in the pub strung together like a bundle of hay!”

Posh Poppy placed her kit on the table and strode off to get herself a drink; “I’ll have a gin and tonic, Leonard, with a slice of lemon, three lumps of ice and a sprig of mint leaves if you please”; “my next drinks gonna be a Guinness with a slice of black pudding, three lumps of coal and some blackberry leaves”, said George, “and teetotal Tim can have a lemonade with a slice of cheese, three bits of sweetcorn and a daffodil!”. 

It was time for Pete to start punning, “Mike has a mine of information about coal!” he said setting off a customary groan, “he had an accident but it was only a minor injury … he keeps a pile of coal for sedimental reasons … I confused him the other day by showing him a load of shovels and telling him to take his pick…he was refused a drink the other day because pubs don’t serve minors …” and on and on and on and on!

“I feel like I need a tonic”, said Ted,” a few days beside the seaside would be lovely”; “you do look a bit weary”, said Wendy “no I don’t” said Ted, “you nodded off just now” said Arthur, “no I didn’t” said Ted, “a session with a therapist would do you good” said Colin, “no it wouldn’t” said Ted, “you forgot to offer me a drink” said Suzie, “no I didn’t” said Ted, “in that case I’ll have a glass of red!”

One by one the ladies stopped knitting, their scarves a little longer, their tea-cosies a bit more colourful, their gloves having gained another finger or two; Pete put his puns away for another day, Ted wandered off, a little cross with himself for letting Suzie catch him out, Landlord Len rang the bell, told everybody to clear off then locked the door behind them before enjoying a nice cup of tea and a biscuit! 

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Thanks to Denise for hosting Six Sentence Stories. This week’s word is Tonic.

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*The sentence about Rosey came from one the 120+ stories I’ve written about her over the last 12 years! My favourire 50 or so are here –  My Friend Rosey

…for Rochelle’s Friday Fictioneers

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I found myself a gorgeous girlfriend.

Being romantic, I carved our initials inside a heart on treetrunk and invited her to picnic with me beneath it!

I didn’t realise she was a tree-hugger. She was horrified. Said I’d scarred it. She gave me the finger and disappeared.

I needed a replacement with the same initials, urgently.

Coincidently, my mate’s gal was similarly ‘initialised’. He’s a bit of wheeler-dealer so I suggested he transfer her to me for a tasty sum, and he agreed!

I’ll spare you the unpleasant details of what transpired. Suffice to say we are both girlfriendless now. .

 

Click a Froggie to visit the squares!

PHOTO PROMPT © Fleur Lind

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various.

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I was going back through my Wordless Wednesday pictures and I came across these monochromes that I messed around with in 2015! I thought I’d give them another outing!

Here’s where you add your link!

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I heard a voice, a soft voice. That of a girl. From where it came, I couldn’t make out. 

‘Follow me,’ she pleaded, ‘please’.

I was then I saw it, a shadow stretching out from behind a wall. As I stood and stared, a tear stained face appeared. 

‘Why?’ I asked.

‘Follow me and you’ll see’, she said.

‘I don’t want to’, I replied.

‘You must, please,’ she begged, and with that, she and her shadow were gone.

I felt a touch of guilt, so with trepidation I did as she asked.

She dashed down a dark alley. I could hardly make her out, but her shadow flickered as she passed a couple of lit windows and a dim lamp.

‘Hurry’, she shouted.

‘I can’t keep up’, I yelled, running as fast as I could. 

‘You must’, she screamed.

‘I’m losing you’, I gasped as I stumbled to a halt, struggling to catch my breath. 

She and her shadow disappeared from view.

‘Where are you?’ I bawled.

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I stood alone in the gloom, not hearing a sound, confused by what just happened, unsure even of where I was.‘

‘It’s too late’ she whispered in my ear, though she was nowhere to be seen.

‘It’s not’, I sighed, ‘let me help you, please’.

‘It’s too late’, she wept. 

‘Forgive me’, I murmured as I strolled into the darkness beyond, her voice still echoing in my mind.

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Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See? 

Image credit; Tom Barrett @ Unsplash

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Jason slides his last remaining chips across the baize to square twenty-one, just as he does every Friday. He watches the roulette wheel spin in one direction as the ball rolls in another.

Such is his life, going against the flow whilst hoping that one day a twist of fate will land him where he yearns to be.

He doesn’t want to be one of the crowd, he wants to stand out, be noticed. It’s not celebrity status he seeks. To him, they are meaningless self important fame seekers, high-falutin egotists. 

No, he dreams of being recognised for making a difference; to be inspirational, provocative even. So much in the modern world is perverse yet considered acceptable. He seizes every chance he can to profer his opinion, hoping that one day someone will say, ‘yes, he’s right’.

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Growing up he’d always been something of a rebel. Not in a bad way. He’d see those around him doing something he found undesirable and make his feelings know. 

At his twenty-first birthday party someone made a speech. He teased Jason about his forthright nature, and said he should use it for the good of  mankind! Everyone but Jason laughed. That was the moment it became his mission in life.

Sadly however, his efforts have yet to gain favour.

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Once again, he’ll go home penniless and remain so until next payday when he’ll return again in the hope the roulette wheel will become his wheel of success, and twenty-one his lucky number.

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Thanks to Jenne Gray and C.E.Ayr for hosting The Unicorn Challenge

© Ayr/Gray

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There’s a spare chair at the farmer’s table tonight, their mate Ned’s not present as he passed away the other day, and to make things even more poignant, today would have been his birthday; “at least we won’t have to fork out for a present this year” said Colin – normally their gift would have been a pint of ale which they’d all chip in for. 

“We’d best keep his seat warm in case his son Ted wants to take his place”, said Fred, “he’ll be running the farm alone now”; “he’ll probably turn up here in fancy dress” said Colin, “you know how much he likes it, last Halloween he spent all day dressed as a vampire and as he drove his tractor past the scarecrow and it Bolted across the field like Usain in a straw wig!”

“You must be busy lambing now, George, I don’t know how you put up with spending all that time with your arm up a sheep’s jacksee” said Arthur;  “you get used to it,” said George, “but a couple of days ago I forgot to put a glove on and when I pulled my hand out, my wedding ring had disappeared” – “looks like your married to that sheep now” joked Bill!

The pub door flung open and in came Picasso Pete, “evenin’ all” he said as he took his place at the table, “I’ve got something especially for you Ted, it’s a picture I drew this morning”, and with that, he presented him with a piece of paper. 

Ted unfolded it and his eyes nearly popped out when he saw the drawing, “wow, she’s stunning, what a beautiful woman, who is it and why are you giving it to me?” he asked; “don’t you know?” asked Pete, “it’s your wife you silly hay-bale, I was in the coffee shop this mornin’ and she was sittin’ a few tables away, and as I had my pad and pencil I thought I’d draw her”; “if she looked like that I wouldn’t be sitting here with you lot, I’d be at home enjoying some hanky-pank…” – “Oy, yelled Landlord Len, I’ll have none of that lewd language in my pub!”

“Who’s round is it?” asked Colin, “strictly speaking it’s Ned’s” said Pete, but as Ned’s dead, home I’ll head, and climb into bed with the lass that I wed”; “so now you’re Poet Pete” said Ted, “will you be bringing me a poem about my missus next week?” – “maybe, we’ll see, farewell to thee” he said as he bowed and left.

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Thanks to Denise for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Present.

… for Rochelle’s Friday Fictioneers photo prompt.

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“She’s taking me shopping. I hate shopping. 

We’ve been to Peter Baker’s butchery, Fred Fisher’s florists and Flora’s fish shop.

We’re just leaving Betty Book’s bakery. She makes voluptuous viennoiseries, and her bulging buns are legendary!

Ouch, no need for that!

Oh no, we’re going into that odds-and-ends emporium. I don’t need another t-shirt.  She’s heading for that goat’s milk body-wash stuff. Why?

Oh, look, by the steps, a Union Jack shopping bag!

Sweetheart, why don’t you buy that bag? No, not that one, nor the one on the left, it’s down there, look… 

Oh, never mind. 

Where next I wonder”.

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Click a Froggie to see the squares!

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PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various!

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People in Nepal!

I can’t believe 13 years have passed since I visited Nepal. A few days ago I was going through my pictures and came across quite a few of people. You may recall having seen some of them before, but I thought I’d give them another outing just for old time’s sake!

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Click pics to enlage and improve!

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This lady invited us into her kitchen

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Pretend people!

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Finally, these are the lovely people I travelled with!

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This is where you add your link should you so desire!

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It is May Day 1497. The cobbled square is filled with merrymakers. Here a band of wandering minstrels, plucking citterns, crashing cymbals and blowing crumhorns. There, a juggler. Six costumed mummers amuse a group of onlookers with a pantomime. A gasping crowd surrounds a blindfolded fellow as he jaculates pointed knives t’ward a fair maiden shackled to a wooden wall. Jocoserious jonglers abound. Acrobats, soothsayers, conjurers.

A masked lad sidles up to a pretty lass. She, a vision of loveliness in a gown of pastel jaconet. He lowers his vizard and bows deeply. She curtseys. As his nut brown eyes look into hers her cheeks blossom.

“Hail beauteous dame, well met. How art thee this fine day”

“I am in valorous health kind sir”.

“P’rchance shall thee consume fine foods with me?”

“T’wouldst be’est mine own pleasure kind sir”.

“Then taketh mine hand. We shall share together a Big Mac and fr…..”

“CUT!  Joey, for the last time, you are taking her to de’Montfault’s, not bloody McDonalds!’

TAKE TWENTY THREE”..

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This story is similar to one I wrote on J-day during 2016’s A-Z Challenge when I featured obscure words from days of yore! Incase you are wonderng …

Jongleur n. A medieval troubadour, wandering entertainer.

Jocoserious adj. Both funny and serious.

Jaculates (behave!) n. Hurls or darts, as of knives and spears.

Jaconet n. Thin cotton fabric.

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Image credit; Sander Sammy @ Unsplash

Thanks to Sadje for hosting the What Do You See? photo prompt.

 

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What’s the best way of getting there? Is it a boat, is a train, is it a plane? If I was Superman I could just don a red cloak and fly there. I am a man, and I’m super but I’ve not yet managed to combine the two.

It’s very inconvenient having the English Channel between us and our snail-eating, beret-wearing, garlic-smelling neighbours. Mind you, Willie the Conk crossed without difficulty in 1066, and it must be a lot easier now.

Let’s look at the options.

One, the boat. It takes about a hundred minutes to float across. On the plus side, there’s a bar and cafe on board. However, it tends to bob up and down a bit so you need pack a sick bag or two just in case.

Two, the train. Somehow it travels under the water. I used it once, but I was disappointed not to see any fish or mermaids along the way. It’s very quick, but it’s quite pricey.

Three, the plane. I hate airports. All that security malarke. I always set the alarm off when I go through that frame thing. Then I get stroked and felt in the most intimate of places. Ooh, no.

Before you suggest it, I’m not swimming across. I fear stepping in puddles so there’s no way I’m putting on my mankini and jumping in!

You know what? I don’t think I’ll bother. I’ll just buy a baguette, some brie, a bottle of Chateau Plonk and watch La Miserable!

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Thanks to Jenne Gray and C.E.Ayr for hosting The Unicorn Challenge.